RELAPSE!

Ok, a bad thing happened, that’s why it’s quiet here again. My Borderline was in remission, but it’s back now in full force, through many triggers and grievances. My right hand has two fractures in it and my anger is rising. I have contacted my doc and I will be able to start a new form of therapy again soon. I abstain from taking my Seroquel (I’ve been able to go without it in the past and it sometimes makes me more violent!). Instead, this is a clear indicator of what I’m doing wrong…

Stop. Slow down. Breathe. Relax. As Thich Nhat Hanh would say, ‘don’t water the seeds of anger and craving, but eater those of compassion and mindfulness.’ I went to my favourite coffee house with some Buddhist literature and now I’m blogging from there. Ok. What went wrong? Can I see it? Yes, I can.

I have been extremely frustrated lately with the level of ignorance in the world. It pains me to see how short-sighted and shallow most people can be nowadays, especially those who are supposed to ‘lead’ us. I mean, Trump is the president of the United States and radicalism is rising worldwide. We need to take mindful action. I can do that by being mindful and compassionate and thus doing my part. I’ve been confronted with physical violence triggering my post traumatic stress characteristics  (fight or flight), I’ve run into some disappointments and most clearly of all, I’ve allowed the outside world to put too much stress on me. I’ve been running after myself, with my mind running away.
The social instances want me to find a job, my volunteer job and hobbies are putting too much stress on me (too much to do, too little time) and all of a sudden everyone seems to want to have a piece of me. I just think: “How can all of you be so ignorant?!” But then I realise that they cannot understand something they have not experienced themselves and I can’t expect them to do so. I don’t have to be the misanthropic buddhist I currently am. I just received a strobg wake up call: don’t stray from the path. Re-light the lamp of mindfulness, step back on the path. Start walking, don’t look back!

I will not give the world a piece of me. Instead, it can get some peace from me. As long as people let me be, walking the eightfold path.

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